Trying Not To Love You (Only Went So Far)
by OfBloodandStarlight
Summary: She met him on the school's play ground. He was something like a hero to her from that day onward. She found out later, though, that he already had a heroine of his own. (Childhood best friend AU)


_Happy new year, snowflakes! *dances*_

_I'm sorry I suck at summaries! *ugly cries* _

_Here's a new AU (and I hate myself bc I can't write canon but oh well)_

_I have a few stories on the making so please be patient! :-D_

I don't own The Flash.

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><p><strong><em>1.<em>****_Trying Not To Love You; Only Makes Me Love You More._**

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><p><em>When a voice from behind me, that was fighting back tears<em>

_Sat right down beside me, whispered right in my ear_

_Said, I've been dying to tell you_

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><p>Caitlin was seven years old the first time she met <em>him, <em>fresh into her first day in second grade after having just moved to Central City from Portland. She had been alone on the playground of the school, trying to (and failing miserably, —since her legs were too short to reach the ground—) push herself on the swings when suddenly a voice from behind her was startling her out of her skin.

_"__Do you need a push?" _He had asked her in a soft voice, to then follow by apologizing fervently for having scared her so bad. (She had fallen onto the ground from the fright) He had helped her up and asked again if she needed some help with the swings.

_"__No, I'm— I'm fine, thank you. It's okay." _She had stuttered and blushed.

_"__C'mon, I'll push you and then you'll push me, alright? It'll be fun." _He had said smiling brightly and encouragingly to her; holding the chains of the swing steady for her to sit. She had smiled at the ground and nodded silently, "_I'm Barry, by the way. Barry Allen."_

_"__Caitlin Snow." _She had whispered once her small butt was sitting securely in the swing.

That evening when her parents had asked her at dinner if she, by any chance, had made any new friends at school she had blushed and quietly mumbled that, _yes_, she _had_, and his name was _Barry Allen_. And in her head she had added that he was the sweetest and most courageous boy she had ever met. Much like a hero, she had whispered, later, to her mother in the dim light of her room.

Two days later Caitlin had also met Iris West (whom had missed school due to the flu) and the perfect bubble she had created for herself in which she finally, _finally_ had something—someone— for herself and only her, was broken. Iris West _was _Barry's best friend, had always been and would always be and Caitlin had no space there, not even a fair fighting chance.

Barry had never made a difference between the two, not _consciously _at least, Iris never was anything but amazing to Caitlin and Caitlin _liked_ her, they were all really close friends, which just added to the hurt, really.

By the time they were all in high school, things like love and crushes and hurt feelings were more evident. For some people at least, people like _her _whom noticed everything, every little single thing involving Barry Allen and how _hard _he was crushing on Iris and how utterly oblivious he was to the love Caitlin felt for him.

Every time she'd said to Barry things like, _"You should ask her out. Get it over with, seriously. It's starting to get annoying." _And he'd answer with, _"Caitlin, you know I can't. What if she says 'no'? It's gonna ruin our friendship!" _It torn her heart apart. Iris was just _that_ important to him, he'd rather see her dating other guys than to take a chance and potentially drive a wedge in their friendship… much like Caitlin always did with him.

At the end of the day, so much repressed and unrequited love turned into fight after fight, and the wedge he was so afraid of driving between Iris and himself was drove between _them_.

_"__I like you Barry; we've been friends since as long as I can remember but last time I checked that does _not_ give you the right to act like such jerk! I can date whoever the hell I want!" _

_"__Why are you even acting like this, Cait? You don't even like the guy! I know you, c'mon!" _

_"__Just because Iris won't ever give you a second glance doesn't mean that we all have to stay single forever and pin after someone who will never love us back!"_

_"__Go to hell."_

_"__Lead the way, asshole!"_

_"__I fucking hate you..."_

_"__And I hate you more than you'll ever know."_

But the truth was that, she didn't; as hard as she tried and as many guys as she dated, she never got him out of her heart. The love she had for Barry was too strong and too deeply carved into every inch of her body and every corner of her heart.

Of course after every fight and every inevitable break up she would find her way back to Barry, always. And they would forgive each other for whatever words they had shout at each other, no matter how many hided truths they held. It always ended with a hug and an, _"I love you, you're my best friend, Cait."_ That made her heart ache more than anything ever did.

When he left for college, however, was when everything _really_ changed between them.

With Caitlin being two years younger than him and having chosen a different career too, the separation had been inevitable. And even though they did tried to remain in contact their relationship just wasn't the same. She missed him, God she missed him _so much_.

But she tried not to, she tried not to love him, not to miss him, not to even remember him or his eyes and the way they'd twinkle when he was looking at her, she tried not to miss his smile and the way it warmed her insides in the most delicious of ways, she tried not to miss his touch, or his hugs, or the kisses he would always drop in her head, hair or cheek.

She tried so hard, God she _did._ But it seemed as though the only thing she achieved every time was loving him _more._

By the time she also left for college and met Ronnie the only reason why she ever gave him a chance was because he had the same height and body complexion that Barry did, not to mention that he also smelled pretty similar to him, too. So every time they hugged if she just closed her eyes she could _pretend_, for only a moment.

God, she was pathetic, she really, _really_ was.

She was ashamed to, but, at the beginning, when Ronnie and her had just started, she pretended he was Barry way too often to then feel disgusted with herself. When she had finally come clean with him he had been understanding, supportive of her even, Ronnie had helped her so much with moving on from Barry.

When she told Barry about Ronnie and he had asked her, _"Do you love him?"_

She had surprised even herself when she had whispered back that, _"Yes."_ She loved Ronnie. She loved Ronnie because he had given her a chance, he had showed her an easy love, he was sweet and warm and he loved her, they had many things in common, she loved him because he _deserved_ her love. Loving Ronnie was _easy_ and _comfortable_, it didn't hurt, it wasn't exciting or even overly passionate, it didn't consume her, his touch didn't set her skin on fire, but it was _sure_ and _secure_. Being with him gave her a sense of stability.

(It was an easy love; it just wasn't the forever kind of love.)

The Christmas of her graduation year, three years into her relationship with Ronnie she had gone back to Central City for the Holidays. And her parents had practically forced her to attend the Christmas Party that the family Allen hosted every year without fail.

She had been ridiculously drunk, that's her excuse if you'd be to ask her. She doesn't have any other. The how, when and why are still —and probably would always be— a blur to her. She just knows it involved mistletoe hanging above their heads, and her boldly throwing caution into the wind, grabbing his collar and kissing the lights out of him, like she had wanted to for as long as she could remember.

Kissing him was as easy as breathing, his lips were soft, his tongue was warm as was the roof of his mouth and his teeth were sharp.

The way he had kissed her back, though, it had sent her heart singing, made her lips tingle, set her skin alight and cause a pool of _delicious_ warm in the lower region of her belly. He tasted like champagne and happiness, like _love_. A forbiddingly delicious combination. His groans only added foul to the fire that had been burning her for years, she was scared she'd turn to ashes in his arms.

_"__Caitlin." _He sounded as wrecked as she felt and that, for some reason, was what brought her back to her senses, sobering her up in a second. She hightailed out of there as fast as her feet allowed her to. She just hated herself _so_ much, oh God. Why had she been so stupid? She had just ruined everything!

Caitlin pretty much had cried the entire way home and for the remaining of the night, thinking over and over again that she had ruin so much with _one_ simple kiss. _What a fucking kiss, though,_ She'd thought and cry all over again.

It took her about six weeks after the _incident_, to find out that there was no apparent reason to worry, though, because Barry had no recollection what so ever about their _dalliance, _if you could even call it that. It hurt to know that, she's not gonna lie, a part of her _hoped_, as crazy as that may sound, for what? She was not completely sure, but for _something_, something _more_.

She loves him. _God_, she loves him so much.., she hasn't stop, _can't_ stop. God, why can't she stop? She has tried everything! She had thought she'd moved on but her heart is too stubborn and holds onto Barry even though there's nothing to hold onto.

Ronnie proposes in the night of her birthday after a lovely evening. She has feel so guilty since that Christmas night with Barry, and the hopeful look in Ronnie's eyes does nothing to ease the pain she feels for being such a horrible person. She almost says yes out of guilt but then she looks again into his eyes and she just _knows _he deserves better, so much better, and the fact that he wants _her_ and only her; like no one ever has wanted her.

Caitlin asks him to give her some time to think about it, he says its okay, he has all the time in the world, and he just wanted her to know that he is serious about them. She tells him he will have an answer by Sunday next week. He drops her off in her apartment; she is unable to sleep a wink all night.

The next morning when her phone rings and the name on the screen reads; _'Barry'_, she only hesitates for a second before answering. She doesn't know why but the first thing that leaves her mouth is;

_"__Ronnie proposed to me last night…" _She says softly.

_"__Oh."_ His voice is soft, almost disbelieving.

_"__Yeah…"_

_"__What did you said…?" _He asks, and there's something in his voice that sounds like dread but Caitlin doesn't want to think too much of it so she lets it pass.

_"__I told him I'd give him an answer on Sunday."_

_"__Are you going to say yes…?"_ This time the dread is definitely there, though his voice is too small Caitlin can still catch it.

_"__I don't know." _She says truthfully.

_"__Oh."_

_"__Yeah."_

They hung up a while later, though there wasn't many words exchanged the call had been rather long, for Caitlin listening him just breathing so close to her ear while she was still lying in her bed is one of the things she is afraid to say she loves the most.

When Sunday rolls around she still has zero idea about what she will say to Ronnie. She wishes it weren't this hard. When someone asks you to marry them you're not supposed to feel this way but she just can't help it. Her mind has wandered around the topic of what would she do if this was Barry instead, but she has rushed the idea out of her head as soon as it had came. It just hurt her too much.

She's sitting in her car outside of her apartment complex, the car has been running for a while but she just can't bring herself to just drive towards her destination. There's only yes and no, there are no maybes anymore and she is _dreading_ it horribly.

It's not until she reaches for her passenger seat to place her bag in it that she notices there's a CD with a post it on it. She doesn't remember buying any album, (she's not much for expending her money that way), and she hasn't gotten anything borrowed from anyone lately so she's confused as to how it has made its way into her car.

She grabs the CD and takes off the post it.

It's a note with Barry's handwriting scribbled all around it, and it reads;

_'__I know you're giving him an answer tonight and whatever it is that you decided, I will support you. I just need you to know this first. Barry'_

The CD only reads, _'Listen'_.

Caitlin's heart it's beating a mile a minute by the time she slides the CD into her car's stereo. When she hears the first words of the song, however, it stops beating altogether.

_Too long, too late_

_Who was I to make you wait?_

Her breath catches on her throat the moment that she recognizes the lyrics to one of her favorite songs.

_Just one chance, just one breath_

_Just in case there's just one left_

The tears are streaming down her face before the chorus breaks; the pain in her chest feels like it might suffocate her any moment now. It's like there's a fire burning from her chest all the way up to her throat and even speaking would hurts.

_You know,_

_That I love you, I've love you all along_

_And I miss you, been far away for far too long_

_I keep dreaming that you'll be with me and you'll never go_

_Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore_

These words are everything she had wished to hear him say for _so_ long, and she has trouble understanding what is happening right now. She is supposed to be in a date with Ronnie telling him that_ yes_, she will marry _him_.

—But Barry… Gosh, _Barry_. Her best friend, the guy she misses more than anything in the world, the man she has love almost her whole life.

_So far away, been away for far too long_

_So far away, been away for far too long_

Yes, they have been away for far too long. Physically and emotionally. God, _where_ is he? She needs to talk to him, to see him, she _needs_ him here.

_You know_

_That I wanted, I wanted you to stay_

She would stay forever if he would just _ask_ her. _Where_ is he? God, please…

She reaches for her purse again, looking for her phone, to call him, text him, anything, _everything._ She wants him, wants to see him, hold him; _God_, something.

_I need to hear you say_

_I love you, I have loved you all along  
>And I forgive you for being away for far too long<em>

She's desperate, there's sobs wrecking her body furiously, and she's frustratingly wiping away the tears blurring her vision, she needs to call Barry _now. _His phone rings three times before he answers_. "Cait."_ He breaths.

_So keep breathing 'cause I'm not leaving you anymore  
>Believe it, hold on to me, never let me go<em>

The only sound she is able to make sounds something between a whimper and a sob, his voice is raspy and thick like he has been crying, too. _"Look up, Cait, please."_

She is confused but she still does as he says, and then he is there, right _there, _standing outside in the cold rain in front of her car, with only a black jacket, a red striped shirt and black jeans.

_So keep breathing 'cause I'm not leaving you anymore  
>Believe it, hold on to me, never let me go<em>

Her heart is beating so fast she is scare it may actually beat out of her chest and run after him. She doesn't think about the rain or how her car is still running, she doesn't think about her date with Ronnie or how uncertain are things between Barry and her at this very moment. She just gets out of her car the second she sees him outside.

With the door of her car still ajar she can still hear clearly the words of _NICKELBACK _playing softly on the background through her speakers.

_Keep breathing, hold onto me_

_Never let me go_

Yes, yes. She really needs to keep breathing but…, for the life of her, she just can't remember _how_. If… if she hadn't gotten it all completely and horribly wrong, then this means… what _Barry_ means by doing this, with _this_ particular song. He was trying to say that he loved her, too? Had loved her all along, for far too long.

God— How…? How hadn't she ever realized? How did she ever missed—

—She loves him so much it has hurt her for so long.

She has waited, _dreamed_ of hearing those words for so long.

"_Barry_…" She chokes on her sob; her feet move on their own accord and bring her one step closer to him. Her tears mingle with the rain that is falling furiously upon them and her hair stubbornly sticks to her face, he is completely soaked through and the only thing that makes her think he has been crying is the redness of his eyes.

"Caitlin, I— I'm sorry… I didn't mean to upset you so much. I just… I'm selfish. I couldn't lose you like that, without even letting you know how much you mean to me." His voice is small and raspy, the rain is heavy and loud, she takes fast steps towards him to hear him better. He has his hands deep inside his pockets.

"'What I mean to you?'" She repeats, still uncertain, her voice is still hoarse but it doesn't break anymore. She doesn't want to hope for too much but at the same time she can't help herself.

"I love you. Not just like a friend, I've loved you for so long, but I was—_still am_—so scare that you didn't felt the same way and it would eventually ruin what we had but— but just _look_ at us now, we are so far away from each other even though we live just a few hundreds of miles away, we only talk over the phone a few times a month, and I just— even if you don't feel the same way, I don't think it can make things any worse than how they have been lately." The hopelessness and utter _pain _in his voice makes something snap inside of her, she's crying heavily before she can process it.

"No, _no, _Barry, _Barry_, why? Why didn't you ever told me? There is so much pain that could've been avoided—_God, _I have loved you since I was seven years old, Barry! How didn't we ever— For Christ sake." She takes two long strides forwards and is standing a breath's away from him in seconds. The moment she pulls him down towards her and their lips meet halfway it feels like the world has stopped for a second and the only thing that matters is _them_, right now, and right there.

He lets out a sound that rings to her too much like a sob, but she swallows it, wants to take both his and her pain away, all she wants to feel is his love, his soft lips working their way from her lips down to her jaw, down to her neck, all she wants to hear it's the way his breath catches in his throat the moment she moves her body closer to his until there's no way of knowing where she ends and he begins.

He kisses her earlobe and whispers, _"I love you, I love you,"_ and it doesn't fail to make her heart stutter in her chest once more. The rain is still falling heavily and she's sure she will at least catch a really good cold out here but she just can't bring herself to _care. _Not when he is kissing her like _this_, and holding her like _this_, and loving her like _this_.

The lights of her car start to twinkle behind them and it's only then when she remembers she had left the car running. She untangles herself from Barry very unwillingly and when he looks at her confused, she only looks up at the sky and has to close her eyes because the rain almost hurts her when it falls on her sky due to how heavily is falling. "My car's battery is probably dying by now…" She can't help but giggle at the end even if the thought of her car dying is not a very pleasant one she can't help herself. She is just so _happy_.

Barry runs his hands up and down the length of her back and brings her closer to him, he takes the hair away from her face with his fingertips and places it behind her ear lovingly, "I think you should be grateful it hasn't been stolen yet." His tone is light and she can feel the smile in his face, her fingertips toying with the dimples that form in his checks when his smile is big and _happy._

She looks down from the sky and her eyes settle on his bright gray pools, they are soft and full of adoration, (she has no idea how she ever missed those looks), "I love you, Barry." Her voice is a quiet whisper but nonetheless strong and sure. She has never been more sure about anything in her life than the fact that she _loves_ Barry Allen with all of her heart.

His forehead ends up meeting hers halfway, "I love you, too."

By the time she is cuddle up at Barry's right side in her apartment, (after shutting her car and locking it up safely, they had both made their way up the stairs towards her apartment, took showers, (separately) had a cup of tea and drown in a sea of blankets in her couch with the warmth of his body by her side), it's when she remembers about her date with Ronnie and what she _was_ supposed to be doing right now, with _him_.

But she is here with Barry and she just can't bring herself to feel bad about _that_ right now. However, she does feel bad about the decision that she has made. "I have to talk to Ronnie…" She'd tell Barry later and felt him tense beside her.

"What are you going to say? I mean—"

She didn't let him finish, "I will apologize and tell him the truth; that I can't marry him, he deserves someone who'll love him unconditionally and that someone is just not me, because _I _love _you_." His hold had tightened significantly after that.

When she tells Ronnie that the best thing for them is to break things up he is hurt, and she gets that, she feels terrible about it and apologizes many times for it. He tells her he hopes she is happy though and that she is not horrible, it just hurts now but I'll be okay I think, he had said.

They remain friends even long after she has moved back to Central City where she gets a job in one of the finest labs in town and Barry gets a job with the CCPD.

Both of their families' only answer to their new found relationship is something along the lines of, _"It was about time!" _

A few weeks after Iris' weeding with Eddie, Caitlin and Barry move in together. Their house is a safe distance between both; work and family. Caitlin falls in love with it the moment she steps foot inside of it, sees herself and Barry living here for the rest of their lives, perhaps chasing after one or two little ones one day. Barry is just happy to make _her_ happy.

Two years later when she says _I Do_ it's without any shadow of a doubt, a beautiful smile on her face and with the lightest heart.

_FIN_

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><p><em>That trying not to love you, only went so far,<em>

_Trying not to need you, was tearing me apart,_

_We just keep on trying, we could be much more,_

_'Cause trying not to love you,_

_Only makes me love you more._

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><p><strong><em>Review?<em>**


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